Variety.
It’s always been something that I would say has made me fear commitment, probably fair to define it as an addiction of mine at this point in life. I don’t actually fear commitment – in theory it’s a beautiful thing and I think a lot of people have made it work well. It’s not really a fear, but the consequences of commitment that have always had me deterred from proceeding forth. The lack of variety, I think, is what has always made it hard for me to pull the triggers in life. More than ever I see how this completely has to do with the theme of “allowing myself to be happy” like the last post was about.
It’s going to be hard, fucking ridiculously hard to overcome my addiction to variety. The ability to have and access options. Because, to a degree, I believe variety to be a very wonderful thing but in the context of relationships it has the negative understanding that it must be something that is continuously invested in. It isn’t nearly as residual as one solely invested relationship because you must constantly be seeking variety if variety is what you want. You can’t really have variety and a strong commitment because your commitment will pull you away from investing in your variety, eventually making less variety and ultimately doing a poor job of both the variety and the commitment. That became a rant, I’m sorry thoughts…
My point, to allow myself to be happy – I must be able to overcome this because it has always been a downfall of mine. The strong desire for variety, in all walks of life. I must choose what I will fight for and I must fight for it. This sounds like basic math and simple understanding but I thought this over on the drive home from seeing ‘Flight’ tonight with Denzel Washington and I feel that most people are as accepting of commitment as they are not out of noble efforts but rather lack of options. So many people in today’s society have been taught to believe that they don’t amount to nearly what they do and the major effect of that is the self-esteem (or lack thereof) doesn’t allow one to seek more of a variety because one may believe that A. they don’t deserve it or B. even if they did they wouldn’t be able to realistically achieve it. I never felt that either of those are true for myself (or anyone who puts strong efforts into their lives, really) and maybe over the years that has developed into some form of entitlement.
End result – Watching Denzel have such a huge drinking problem in ‘Flight’ made me disgusted with the thought of the concept of addiction, specific addictions and the destruction it can cause. I need to stop doing things that harm me or other people and slowly kill me. The odds are already against me, yet I continue to test my limits. Today has to be my last Black and Mild truly. I have quit before for decent periods of time and always gone back to it because I love the smell and the feeling associated with smoking them. But they aren’t making me any younger… And I need to try my damnedest to be able to give my all to one person and one person alone. I have a wonderful woman in my life right now, and luckily she understands my explanation of this to her and me sharing that, this is and has been hard but she still sticks by my side.
I’m going to give this a go, and make the best of it. I’ve come this far in the last few years and I think this would be the grand entrance of a new era in my life. If nothing else, it would be wonderful to experience.
Here goes everything.
Source:
http://prestonschmidli.wordpress.com/2012/11/04/a-little-bit-of-a-lot/