The first four months of the deployment, it was easy to say, “This is just what I have to do right now.” During those months, I could still feel his touch and see his face everywhere I turned. In that time, it was easy to stay busy, and although I worried constantly, I trusted he would be okay.
Somewhere along the lines, that all started to fade. I can still imagine his presence, his kiss, his touch. I can still see his face when I close my eyes. I still believe that this is just what I have to do to be with the one I love. I worry more the longer he’s gone… Like tomorrow is always going to be more dangerous than today was.
Now, I feel numb. My whole world is still spinning, and I’m here, physically, but I don’t feel here. It’s like putting your car in cruise control; you still watch the road, but unless there’s something out of the ordinary, you don’t have to swerve or brake, you just coast. I literally don’t hear half of the things that are said when someone talks to me, I miss turns on the way home from work, I probably wouldn’t notice if Denzel Washington was sitting in front of me.
I move through my day as usual (luckily for me, it’s routine now). As soon as the sun sets, though, I remember I’m going to sleep alone, that it’s another day I didn’t get to see his face, that although it’s one day closer, there’s still a long road ahead… And, if only, one of my friends could understand, but, no, her man is just a phone call, a text, a drive away.
The days I feel alive again, the days I feel whole, and I smile constantly, and I laugh easily, and I’m me again, are the days I hear him on the other line of the phone or see his name in my unread emails. The days I feel whole again are the days I don’t feel so alone. As anyone in a military relationship who’s dealt with deployment knows, these phone calls don’t happen nearly enough and still don’t hold a candle to actually seeing his face. I’m no where near giving up; I could never, but tell me, I’m not the only one who’s gotten the numb feeling after five months of not seeing my loved one, am I?
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Source:
http://asoldiersgotmyheart.wordpress.com/2012/10/11/numb/