I'd like to think of myself as a good friend. Need a shoulder to cry on? Here ya go. Want to go out drinking to forget your sorrows? I'm your girl. Need help moving out? HELL NO. Yeah, it's no problem! Now when it comes to the latter request, us "friends" have no choice but to commit to helping a buddy move out, because that's what friends do, right? Wrong. Moving days are stressful, unorganized, chaotic, and should be executed by people in relationships tied by blood or marriage, or anything a bit more binding than a flimsy BFF status. Let's be real; standing in the middle of a stairwell, carrying your 300 pound couch while you're screaming in my ear about how to best maneuver it down three more flights of stairs? See yuhhhhh!
The real choice isn't whether to say yes or no, because we have to do it. The choice becomes what excuse will work best to get out of it. If you don't need advice in this department now, I promise you will eventually, so here are some ideas to save your sanity and your friendship.
1. "Sorry man, I slept funny and hurt my neck."
Now feel free to get creative; it can be your back, wrist, knee, whatever you choose. A little personal history here may even help your case, especially if a friend knows you recently hurt your back, or what have you. Now the trick with this one is to follow up. If you see your friend later/a day after the move you may need to call upon your inner Lindsay Lohan Denzel Washington and remember that when you're sitting down, dancing, or climbing stairs, ACT like it STILL HURTS. Because it was bad, right?
A brace or cast would be a nice touch.
2. "I really wanted to help you move bud, but I just got called into work."
This one's pretty bullet-proof. If your boss needs you to come in to work it's pretty much out of your hands. Your friend will thank you anyway, and you'll get away scot-free. You may need to keep a low-profile during the move; you don't want witnesses seeing you out on a patio drinking or anything, and have it get back to your friend that you lied about working. You're only a shady friend if you get caught *winks*
If you do get caught, take note from Shaggy.
3. "My game last night was redonk, and this morning he/she just won't leave…"
You can use the one night stand card one of two ways. Firstly, you could play it as if you've got a real crazy on your hands. What are you supposed to do if your plan for a one-nighter turned into a stage-5 clinger? Most likely, your friend will sympathize and wish you the best in shaking the loser. Secondly, you could portray the situation as a dream come true, and you want to take advantage of your good fortune. In this case, your friend will probably be a better friend than you by following the bro/hoe code and letting you off the hook, so you can enjoy yourself. Either approach should work fine.
A week later, do something a real stage 5 clinger would do to back up your story. Maybe something like this?
4. "I've been puking all morning"
Another charm. No one wants help from someone who may spew all over their stuff. Maybe avoid being seen for the day, and you can later claim it was a 24-hour bug. Worse comes to worse, and your friend calls you out as a dirty liar, stick your finger down your throat. I'm not talking bulimia here people. The sound of retching should be enough to make them back off and leave you, as free as cover at Jacks on a Tuesday.
If you describe your situation along the lines of this guy's, you'll get let off the hook.
5. "It's my aunt… she…" *break for sob* "I just can't help you move out today."
This one is a little tricky. If you believe in fate, you may not want to take advantage of your families' well-being by manifesting bad karma and lying about your uncle's bad liver, only to find out a week later that he ends up actually having liver problems. Friends, this stuff can happen, and when it does you'll really feel like shit. You've got to measure out whether getting out of this move is worth it. If your friends an OCD, type-A personality with a ton of crap, no judgment here folks, lie through your teeth to get out of that nightmare. Just keep it light, nothing too morbid. Maybe pops missed the last step of the stairs, and needs someone to ice his hip… What can you do?
Or maybe its just your turn to keep an eye on grandpa.
Take some time, mull it over, and pick an excuse that best suits you. Hopefully this list will help you avoid a horrible afternoon that could be better spent with friends who know better than to ask for your help when moving out… Oh, and only pick one of these if you plan on never moving again, because if you keep it up nobody is going to help you move.
