Lately I've been avoiding, avoiding, avoiding.
As well as avoiding this blog and my therapy tasks I've been avoiding people and going out. I know, so sad. I've been watching True Blood from start to finish, that's 4 series. I feel like I know Eric, which is why I'm glad that I've finally realised what I was doing.
I went to therapy last week and was late yet again. I couldn't be bothered with it, and I was disrespectful both to my therapist and myself by a) being late again, for probably the 4th time in a row and b) for not putting any effort in.
I didn't want to be there and I said this to her, but at the time I didn't know why. Therapy has meant so much to me, I was waiting for it for months and yet I wanted to stop. Some things are too much to take and I've been overwhelmed by the problems that I need to sort, the work I've got to do, the amount of problems that have arisen as well as the odd emotions that have been popping up and, the main reason I feel so overwhelmed; I have 8 stone to lose.
My goal weight is a healthy one and I would not lie about this. My goal isn't to get skinny now, it's to get healthy in the long run. I could slim down now; I'm like, a crash diet guru. I could go on LighterLife once more and lose the weight, sure, but I'd put it all back on again. I've done Atkins, I could cut out carbs and lose half a stone in a week or just not eat anything outside of 3 meals a day, all of which I've done in the past. My issues are still in me and I instinctively know that in order to move forward out of control of the ED I need to deal with them.
I've lost some weight – I don't know how much because if I get on the scales and it turns out I weigh more than I expected I'll be devastated – but I can feel that I've lost some. I've been eating better than I've done in years. I haven't had chocolate in a couple of days, mainly because when ever I get the familiar overeating craving I have fruit. Or a drink, or gum or I distract myself. I've not had the urge to binge yet, so we'll see how that goes, but I feel stronger now.
I feel like my ED is in a cage, clawing to get out.
I'm aware that these last couple of blog posts have been about me me me so startin g from tomorrow Its coherent blog posts that have a point to them and non-avoidance.
Just to remind everyone of the super awesome survey that I'd really appreciate everyone doing, especially as it takes about 3 minutes and is awesome. It closes Saturday (2nd June) and I'll publish the results Monday.
Cheers guys.
Emma
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